this post is actually a lot more painful to write than i thought it would be, and i just started writing it! okay let me rephrase that, the thought process of what i was going to put in this post is a lot more painful than i thought it would be.
"it is a terrible thing to be so open. it's as if my heart put on a face and walked into the world." -sylvia plath
^^^^that's kind of how i feel about this, it's incredibly uncomfortable to put your life on a blog. it makes you vulnerable in a way. but the more i thought about doing this, the more i knew i had to.
one really cool thing that I learned in St. Louis was that everyone has a story. each is different but we all have our own, each being very personal. but each having the ability to help someone else. which is why I decided to do this. (& something else that I'll post more about at a later time)
thoughts lately:
what do i tell people?
what do i want them to know?
do they really even need to know?
will i even post this?
now you're all just itching to know what i'm about to say, right? haha
well let me start by saying my life has kind of been one big sigh of relief lately, in a very strange way. it's a sigh of relief when you finally begin to be set free from the one thing that has been keeping you captive for so long.
for the past few years i have struggled with a pretty bad eating disorder. don't ask why, or how, it started, because i wouldn't even be able to tell you. it was so long ago and at the time i didn't think it was a big deal, so my mind didn't even think to remember why it all was happening. but it did, and it stayed for a few years. 7 years, actually.
that's a long time. a long time to have a problem and be telling myself that it wasn't a problem. it wasn't just a coping mechanism at all times. sometimes it was my only thought, other times i would consider it a problem that was in my past. it would come and go, but each time it came back worse than the time before.
it finally was to the point where it was so bad and luckily i was in a position where i could see the bigger picture. i saw how bad it was, i saw how it took my thoughts and actions away from the important things, i saw how this could affect my future. and i realized what i wanted in life.
1. i wanted a healthy body
2. i didn't want this to stand between me and my Father in Heaven
so i did what i had to do, i reached out for help. and that reach for help was received by people that were placed in my life for very specific reasons. they didn't disregard what i shared with them, they didn't think i was crazy. they just listened, and they advised, and they gave me options that had always been there but that i had never seen.
overall, i'm grateful. grateful that i don't have to have the mind set of just surviving with this illness that i have, but actually living a life that is free from it. grateful that i have so much support from so many amazing people. grateful that we have the Atonement. grateful that Heavenly Father has prepared me to overcome this trial. grateful for the road and opportunities ahead of me.
grateful to have an imperfect body (until the resurrection) that gives me an opportunity to come closer to my Savior.
so what does all of this mean? like what was the point of putting my biggest challenge on the blog-o-sphere? well, i know there are people that are going through similar things. it's a hard thing to talk about, but one thing i miss so dearly from my mission is helping people, you just don't get to do it as often in normal human life. so i realized this is the best way i can do that right now. and that doesn't mean that i only want to help people with eating disorders, but more just broken people. and it's okay to be broken, remember:
"God loves broken things."
-Elder Holland
there's a lot of strength that comes from being able to relate to someone, and to just know you're not alone. & with the gospel of Jesus Christ we're never alone.
-allie
